Man fucking stimulants are my life. I gave up my DOG and now it's cigarettes and coffee. I need to get off the smokes man. I will and I can. I have a triathlon to achieve this summer. I will join the JCC as soon as I'm back in Toronto and start biking and developing my legs even more. My goal is 175 lbs or less by this race and to STOP SMOKING. Who knew blogging would be so difficult. I have the bees in my belly again but not the hangover thank g'd. Good Orderly Direction has been a life saving prospect. So has EASY DOES IT, and JUST FOR TODAY. Two unbelievable simple concepts to make my life more manageable. Just for today I will not drink alcohol, I will do yoga, i will journal or blog like mad. I will be kind with my words, I will not get angry at my kids, I will attend a special meeting, and I will live by the adage of EASY DOES IT. My life has become manageable and filled with hope. I am no longer tied to the shit that nearly sunk my ass.

I'm out of gas now.....I will be back.

FUFUFUFU

that's how i feel.

got a problem with that?

Huhhhh?

motherfuckers.

sometimes i'm very pissed off and it ususally is a reverse side of fear.

which i never want to confront.

you see everytime i have a disagreement with my other married half, some ingraned part of me thinks the who;le realtionship is in the proverbial tank.

well that's not the case.

thank god we're not that narcisisstic.

we have a common goal and committment to raise our kids with a fighting chance on this planet.

with all the shit that hits the fan and the mass of humanity that fucks up daily, we want them to have  abuilt in crisis model that at least will have them smiling or feel challenged to conqure any negative event that crosses their path.

from an ill parented bully one day, to a group of thug teens (g'd willing they never see) to fianncial, emotional, marital crisis.

all those things life has to offer.

i'm  a bit of a suck for falling for negativity.

faithw as never i stilled, every fucking thing was taken care of for me and i didn't know how to tie my shoelaces of life.

this is changing due to hard wotrk, lots of drugs and some dumb ass motherfucking luck along the way.

i fucking hate when my wife Pauline Bunion takes my 3 year old into the woods.

she has the ability to forget time and stare at a birch tree for way too long.

i'm an over sheltered son surviviors that takes shit like the forest way too fucking seriously.

so my son's pizza's ready and he's with his mom analyzing some kind of fugus.

they'll be back.

the weather's good at least .

well that's enough for now.

as usual i cant finish anything long, not yet...soon however with a little discipline and some time i'll get over this series of neurosis and more later.

more now.

i hate cutting things up that are perfect.

i like order, and chaos.

order in front of my eyes, chaos in many other departments. mostly psychological.

keeps my confused.

i just cut a slice of my perfect pizza for my nephew and i had some fucking resentment about it.

holy shit a fucking piece of pizza.

they're back i can breathe.

i love them both so FUCKING MUCH

m

Round 2

I just got back from an information session on Montessori education.

Boy as a parent have I ever got a chance to make a difference in my kids' lives.

The missed opportunities that fucked me up are so not ready to be passed along.

Love, nurture, patience, acceptance, a beginning middle and end are very real.

i am a very Lucky man to have found my wife.

she's the role model for my development.

it's totally fucking arrested some times.

my biggest fear is the future.

longevity, money, health etc.

now is the time for affirmation based living.

the words that hurt, dull, kill, and obsess need to be let go.

they were set as a pattern.

all patterns can be re-set.

just like  a computers'.

i am so worries about my ability to survive and support my family in the ,midst of this financial meltdown.

i guess I'm better off than most.

i want to make certain that i Can provide this great educational opportunity for my kids for ever.

i want to be their hero, mentor, and real daddy.

not like my misogynistic, self centered, aggressive irresponsible dad.

money was good...rest lacked....OK whew  more to come.

i have a fear of continuing.

saw it, see it, try not to live it.

moi

here i go

A new boy on the block.

I've never blogged and holy shit someone may actually see my words.

some deep level of retained, unnecessary shit may actually dissipate with this process.

like when do i start a new paragraph.

and what of i make tons of spelling errors?

will Mr. Pedoe give me one of those lame ass, I'm teaching rich kids so I'll scar(e) them and not fucking nurture them, when they're self centered parents don't give a shit.

we'll see. let the words go and maybe a renewed vocabulary may ensue.

later,

fuck this freaks me out

m